Living inside your own little world…

… seems fun at first, but quite depressing shortly after. I have been “living inside my own little world” because the outside world, frankly was starting to suck. (: I’m sure we have all been there a time or two. I thank my small circle of friends who kept me out of total isolation by doing what friends do best:  love, encourage, listen, and communicate it in ways I can see and feel. I have been throwing myself into a calendar and filling the hours of each day to keep myself “busy” to ignore what is really going on the inside. I have been unhappy. I might have aluded to it in previous posts, but it’s more than just unhappy…it’s the PAIN I feel of letting go of a loved one, seeing the death of someone who hurt me blasted on Facebook, and realizing the seasons were changing. Throughout this ENTIRE painful process, I kept to myself. I tried reaching out to the familiar, but when God is telling you to do things that are uncomfortable–do you listen on the first time? I know I didn’t. I was stubborn and kept to myself more than ever, wishing someone would notice and rescue me.

I’m better, but not completely healed from this pain because it is a process to pick up my cross daily and fight to bring God glory. (I love Luke 9:23) My church started a series called Painkiller by the amazing Pastor Russ Austin. Through this “not so” easy series of messages you do not normally hear or experience everyday, it it exactly what I needed to hear. Going to my college campus ministry, Resolution, and hearing Aaron Austin preach was the sprinkles to the cake to reinforce it all. To try a new blog style, I’ll bullet what I’ve learned thus far:

  • “Junk” in our parents, produces “junk” in the children. The “junk” I carry is staying busy, too busy…
  • As a result, children do not have the ability to give and receive love. I was loved and taken for as a child, but I have a hard time recognizing love in others. I have a strong sense of empathy and can usually sense my insecurities more than anything else. Simply put, I’m afraid to love people the way God wants me to.
  • If the Lord satisfies you, then the world (or anything in it) can’t satisfy you anymore.
  • What do I consider my ultimate reason for being here on Earth? (To bring glory to God first.)
  • What would it take for me to walk out on God… what is my limit? This was hard to swallow because after all the PAIN I have been dealing with, in my mind I was giving up on God but yet I found comfort in him daily. I choose to suffer through it with God because it brings him glory:
  1. I choose to suffer by saying goodbye to a relationship that wasn’t in God’s timing.
  2. I choose to suffer by putting my passions under a microscope and make sure I’m aligned with God before I step forward.
  3. I chose to suffer by forgiving the person who hurt me (who has passed on) because Christ forgave me.
  4. I choose to suffer by finding opportunities in my schedule to be “uncomfortable” by reaching out to people or find new adventures in my free time.
  5. I choose to suffer to put my flesh aside and seek God in a more holy way.

If you have been praying or thinking of me, thank you. I’ve been gone a while and have missed you! One day at a time, one day at a time…